


Cold Sheets

by insieme



Series: Canon Malec Drabbles [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec's first night sleeping alone, Angst, Angst and Feels, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Post-Break Up, Post-Canon, Sad Ending, The institute isn't his home anymore, This is just really sad I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 02:00:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11749758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insieme/pseuds/insieme
Summary: Post 2x18: Alec's first night sleeping alone in the Institute after the break-up.





	Cold Sheets

**Author's Note:**

> I've been playing around with this headcanon since 2x18 aired and this is finally what I have (personally) concluded happened after the break up. 
> 
> This is unbeta'd so excuse any spelling/grammar mistakes
> 
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> 
> Title is from "Where's My Love" by SYML 
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> 
> ~~I'm sorry Angels~~

Alec looked down at the Shadowhunter who was standing in front of him reading off reports from a security file. She had been talking at Alec for the past five minutes about all of the security measures at the Institute and how Sebastian - how Jonathan - had managed to get clearance and pass every single one of them. 

“Uh Alec?” 

He shook himself out of his head, focusing his attention back on the Shadowhunter. She was holding out a file for his inspection as well as a piece of paper that required his signature. She was also looking at him in a way that made him sure she was aware he had missed the majority of what she had just said.

“Sorry Rachel. What was it you needed?” 

The girl repeated herself once more, patiently explaining what needed to be done. Alec dealt with the situation quickly and as efficiently as possible. He had been working on auto-pilot for the last couple of hours; finding problems, dealing with them and then moving on to the next. The institute had been in chaos since the attack, Shadowhunters running around trying to fix what Jonathan broke. 

On top of that, the Lightwood family was still recovering from the near brush of death that Max had had. It wasn’t uncommon for Shadowhunters to be faced with deadly situations - for most, it was something they experienced daily - but it was still hard seeing them injured so young. He still couldn’t get the picture of Max lying on that hospital table from his mind. 

Alec moved to the ops centre, Shadowhunters approaching him from all angles for mission requests, reports and guidance. Every screen in the room was lit up with maps, and pictures and files, teams desperately searching for Valentine and Jonathan, combing through something they may have missed. He dealt with as many of the issues as he could, but he could feel himself slowly waning. 

The truth was, he was barely holding it together. 

He knew he should be worried about the more pressing matters; Clary finding the Mortal Mirror, Jonathan and Valentine escaping the Clave again, poor Max and his recovery. But the one thing his mind just couldn’t seem to leave alone was Magnus. 

More specifically, Magnus walking away from him. From them. 

Alec wished he could say he wasn’t sure how everything had gone wrong so quickly, but in reality he knew exactly how, and why, it had all gone downhill. 

He should have told Magnus about the Soul Sword as soon as he found out, like he had been planning to. Aside from their personal connection, Magnus was a professional ally and deserved to know about the Soul Sword just as all the other Downworld representatives did. If he wanted any chance of building a solid relationship with the Downworld, he needed to be open and honest about everything. Hiding it from him was wrong, but at the time Alec honestly thought he had been doing the right thing. 

In the wrong hands, the knowledge that the Clave had been lying about being in possession of the sword was dangerous. The treaty between the Downworld and the Shadowhunters was already shaky at best and having word spread that they were being less than truthful would in no way improve that. 

And he did trust Magnus. He knew Magnus wouldn’t share the information and that he would keep it to himself. Alec trusted him with everything that he had. Trust wasn’t the issue. 

The issue was that he hadn’t wanted to put Magnus in the exact same position that he now found himself in. 

Alec knew when he made things official with Magnus that a Downworlder and a Shadowhunter dating would complicate things. When he became Head of the Institute it became even more clear that it could cause some problems, but they had made it work. They had always made their personal lives a priority, as well as their professional ones, and never brought their work home. When they were at home, they were just Magnus and Alec, not the High Warlock of Brooklyn and the Head of the New York Institute. 

But things always change in times of war. 

It was pointless to deny that they were in a war now. Jonathan solidified that when he slaughtered countless Shadowhunters today just to get his hands on the mirror. War meant that there were sides to be fought for, opposing sides with their own beliefs on the rights and wrongs of how things were to be dealt with. 

It just so happened that in this war, the Shadowhunters and the Downworlders were on opposite sides. _Alec and Magnus_ were on opposite sides. 

The flurry of the ops centre around him was nothing compared to the buzz of thoughts in his head. Shadowhunters ran by him, calling out to one another but Alec hardly gave them a second glance. He should be doing his job, calming the chaos, creating a plan of action, doing something but he couldn’t _move_. 

His attention was grabbed by a young Shadowhunter, standing in front of him and holding a tablet. The boy looked pale and scared, hands shaking where they held the device. 

“Sir?”

Alec said nothing in response, looking down at the boy. 

“I have the video surveillance from your office - um, of Max and Sebastian. Sir.” 

Anger rose inside Alec. He clenched his teeth. “His name is Jonathan.”

Everything that had happened was his fault. He - Jonathan - had worked his way into the Institute, gaining all of their trusts only to end up being the mole to bring them all down. Alec had worked with him relentlessly to find the source of all the leaks, while the whole time Jonathan had been covering his own tracks. He and Valentine had used the tension between the Downworld and the Clave to create panic and fear. They had created this war that the rest of them were now trying, helplessly, to get through. 

He had been the reason Magnus had left. 

Alec fixed the young Shadowhunter with a hard look. “If you’re going to be working on the case you better make sure you know the actual name of the criminal, now shouldn’t you? It does no one any good to be calling him by an alias anymore, so learn his real name.” The boy nodded once, quickly. His hands were white knuckled on the tablet he was holding. Alec snatched it from his hands. “And stop shaking. You’re a Shadowhunter. You shouldn’t be running scared and if you are, then you don’t deserve to be one.” 

As soon as the words left his mouth, Alec regretted them. The boy stepped back as if Alec had physically hit him, nodding meekly. A few people walking by looked on, but dropped their eyes quickly when they saw Alec looking. 

A soft hand took the tablet from his hand. Alec looked to his side to see Isabelle standing there, sending a reassuring smile to the Shadowhunter. “It’s okay. You’re doing great, Caleb. Alec has a lot on his plate right now, and I’m sure he didn’t mean any of what he just said.” She looked at him purposefully. “Right Alec?”

He nodded, looking apologetically to Caleb. “She’s right. I’m sorry.” He sighed. “Would you analyze these tapes and put the report on my desk when they’re finished? I would really appreciate it.” Caleb nodded again, slightly less jerky than before, and ran off. 

Alec let out a long breath and closed his eyes, collecting himself. He knew Isabelle would have some words for how he had treated Caleb so he might as well face her now and get it over with. 

When he opened his eyes, he looked down not to see her arms crossed and furrowed brows like he had been expecting, but a more sympathetic expression crossing her features. 

“Come on.” She gestured for him to follow her and turned on her heel without a backwards glance, shoes clicking on the glass floor. Alec, who knew his sister all too well, had no choice but to follow. 

She led them to his office, walking right in as if it was her own, closing and locking the door behind them. Alec eyed the closed door warily. He wasn’t sure what exactly she was planning on saying, but it must have been something serious if it warranted a closed door. And a locked one. 

Alec stood awkwardly, in his own office, with his hands clasped loosely behind his back. Isabelle was standing in front of him and she appeared to be surveying him. Her large brown eyes were intently focused on his face in a way that was mildly concerning. 

Finally she let out a short breath and walked towards him, stopping a foot away. She took his face in her hands, dark eyes staring searchingly into his. “When was the last time you slept?” 

The question took Alec by surprise and stirred up some unwanted emotions. He was sure that he looked tired - probably more than tired with the day he had had - so her question wasn’t really that out of the blue. 

The last time he had slept felt like a world away, but in reality was only yesterday morning. He had woken up early in pale blue silk sheets, warm sun streaming in the open balcony window. He had been wrapped in a warm embrace, Magnus’ nose tucked into his collarbone, their legs tangled together comfortably. Even though he had woken up in the middle of the night and soothed Magnus back to sleep after a particularly bad nightmare, it had been the best nights sleep he had had in a long time. 

Alec tried to push the memories from his mind. He didn’t need to be focusing on happy memories with Magnus right now. He needed to fixing things and keeping the Institute from falling apart. 

He sighed. “Izzy, I’m fine.” 

She placed her hands on her hips. “I don’t know if something happened or if it’s just the stress of the day catching up with you, but you just reamed out a sixteen year old for using the wrong name and being scared during a war. Alec, you’re not fine.” 

“Isabelle, I’ve got work to do.” 

She raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. “You think I’m going to let you go back out there and work? You think you can go lead these people right now, when you’re basically running on fumes and snapping at the first person you see?” She chuckled. “Not a chance, big brother.” 

Alec rolled his eyes. “Isabelle, stop. I’m fine. I appreciate your concern but I need to get back out there.” 

She shook her head. “Mom and Dad are both here. Let them deal with it for a few hours while you get some sleep and then you can come back, fresh.” 

“Iz-”

“Alec.” She levelled him with a look that reminded him frighteningly of his mother. It was a look he had seen from the eldest female Lightwood many times, and was clearly something Isabelle had adapted as well. It was a look that gave no room for argument, a look that the decision was final and there wasn’t much you could do about it. 

Alec sighed in defeat and agreed to a few hours, nothing more. Isabelle grinned triumphantly. She insisted on leading Alec directly to his room, clearly not trusting his word that he would make it there himself. She walked him right up to the door, kissing him quickly on the cheek before shutting the door. Alec tried it not a moment later only to find it locked, Izzy having placed a locking rune on the other side. 

Alec let his head fall against the rough wood of the door, closing his eyes. 

Isabelle was right, he was tired - possibly more tired than he had ever been. He had been awake for more than 24 hours straight and it had been nothing if not eventful. It had been emotionally and physically draining and as soon as he slowed down enough, it all came rushing up to catch him. 

Alec turned slowly, keeping his eyes closed for as long as he dared. He knew what he would see when he opened them. He would see the same bed he had slept in since he was a child, uniform grey sheets perfectly made and unslept in. He would see the bare walls and single bookshelf with his various textbooks and personal books on it. He would see the small wooden wardrobe that held only half of the clothing he owned. 

He would see what was supposed to be his home, but hadn’t felt like it in months. 

When he opened his eyes, he found exactly what he was expecting to. He had been in this room just a few days ago, just for a moment, to grab some more clothes because he had run out. Magnus had created a portal right from his bedroom at the loft and Alec had jumped through just to grab what he needed before going back. 

He couldn’t remember the last time he had actually spent a decent amount of time here. The last time he had actually slept here was at least a month ago, probably more. Most likely a time where he was working well into the night and knew Magnus was too tired to create a portal to take him home. 

But even then, he had known that when he woke up he would be able to go home to Magnus at the end of the day. 

He had started staying at Magnus’ more and more often after cementing their relationship. With his mother and the Clave breathing down his neck, it had been the place he felt most comfortable to be himself. Now, his mother had come around and the Clave wasn’t nearly as aggravating, but it had been enough time that he had stopped seeing the Institute as his home. 

Now, Alec felt homeless. 

He looked at the dull grey cotton sheets, wondering how he ever managed to sleep on them before Magnus. Now that he knew the softness of silk, the effortless slide against your body as you slept, he wasn’t sure how he ever found the rough cotton comfortable. 

Exhaustion was creeping into his bones like a fog and Alec knew his body was telling him it needed sleep, desperately. He pulled off his shirt and jeans, folding them and placing them on the chair beside the bed. He set his alarm for two hours, knowing it would never be enough but it was better than nothing. Hopefully it was enough to at least placate Isabelle. 

Alec pulled back the covers and slipped into the cold bed, shivering. At Magnus’, there was always a fire going in the bedroom, not to mention the heat of another body pressed to his, so he never felt the chill. He pulled the covers up to his chest. 

In the dark quiet of the room, Alec’s thoughts were finally freed to the forefront of his mind. He pressed his eyes shut as images of Magnus danced across his vision. Images of Magnus staring at Alec like he didn’t know who he was anymore. Of Magnus’ cold stare when Alec had told him that he knew about the sword. Of his face, so close to his own, when Magnus told him he loved him but it wasn’t enough. 

Of his back as he walked away. 

Alec didn’t realize he was crying until his cheeks were damp. He tried to stifle them but once they started falling they were like a tsunami, unavoidable and relentless. He rolled over onto his side letting his tears fall freely. He was painfully aware of how empty the other side of the bed was, and how empty it would continue to stay because of his actions. 

He knew that there was a chance that he would never be able to hold Magnus again. Never fall asleep with Magnus’ head pressed against his chest, fingers interlocked. That the quick hello kiss they had shared in his office what seemed like forever ago when Magnus brought him dinner, would be their last. That he would never walk into the loft, feeling whatever stress he had been feeling from that day melt away as soon as he saw Magnus curled up with a book on the couch or singing while he cooked in the kitchen. 

If there was one thing that Alec was one hundred percent sure about it was that he would never love anyone the way he loved Magnus. If he ever managed to find someone to love again, which he didn’t find likely, every experience would be tainted with memories of Magnus. The way Magnus had made him feel, how happy he had been. How happy _they_ had been. 

Alec flipped onto his back and scrubbed his eyes, frustrated. 

Magnus had not only ruined potential future lovers for him, but sleep as well. Alec had never thought of himself as someone who craved or needed the touch of another person, but that was another thing that had clearly changed since he met Magnus. It was easy to fall into the comfortable routine of falling asleep and waking up in someone else's arms. What was hard was trying to break that routine.

He could practically feel the phantom touch tingling his skin, warm hands around his waist, hard chest pressed to his back. He wrapped his arms around himself, chasing the feeling. Nothing he could do would ever replicate the feeling he knew so well in his mind. One day, he would forget what it felt like to be held and that thought scared him more than he liked to admit. A day where he didn’t remember what Magnus’ touch felt like was not a day he wanted to live. 

Alec fell into a fitful sleep and it seemed like minutes later his alarm was going off, pulling him from his already restless slumber. 

He got out of bed and dressed methodically, splashing cold water on his face to try and reduce the puffiness of his eyes. Alec checked his watch to see that it was just past six in the morning. Everyone would be switching shifts about now, those who were on all night finally getting some rest. Those that were sleeping would head out into the day, trying to repair the damage that had been done the day before. 

Glancing at himself briefly in the mirror once, Alec left the room that was no longer his, ready to go out and try to do the same.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm crying thinking about poor Alec crying .... 
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> Let me know what you thought! If you want to cry with me you can find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/insiemes) or [Tumblr](http://insiemes.tumblr.com/)
> 
> See you soon Angels xx


End file.
